QUESTIONS THAT I NEVER ASKED
Has it ever happened to you, when you are reminded of an unfortunate incident and your thoughts start turning towards the path of ‘What if?’
What if I had said this or what if I had asked this, at that time?
Yes, there is always some memory that you regret, that you want to change for better, that you never wanted to happen in the first place, that which impacted your life more than you thought.
This memory takes me back to the last year of my school life. I was living my school-life to its fullest. I had a great set of friends, fun-loving classmates, and good teachers. For me, there was not a worry in the world. I wanted to live it as much as I could because this time was never coming back. Every day in our class, we had one thing or the other which made all of us roll with laughter. I used to spend most of my time talking with my close friends. After school, we used to meet again in our private classes and study together. Finishing the classes we used to come back home joking and laughing at all the silly stuff possible under the sky. I don’t think anyone else was more carefree as we friends were.
Time passed and the final exams were on our head. After the pre-board exams, we had preparation leave till our main boards started. The private classes were over. We were not having regular classes in school anymore. We could only come to school, to clear our doubts from the teacher or to submit our lab projects. It was during this period that I felt that something had changed between my friends. In the beginning, I didn’t realize it and I continued my typical way of talking and joking with them. Then I started observing that they weren’t responding to me in their usual way. They started to avoid meeting together. As exams were approaching I took it as a result of being under the pressure and didn’t pay much attention to it.
However, the inevitable was waiting for me. As I approached them, on the first day of my board exams… I found them moving in different directions or looking elsewhere. I had no idea what had happened. I was confused. Among the group, only one of my friends was talking to me. When she also confirmed that the others were showing the same behavior towards her, I realized that something was seriously wrong. My teenage brain refused to accept the situation and so I busied myself in the preparation for the exam. But, as the days passed and the situation remained the same, I came to a conclusion that we all had fallen apart.
For some, it may sound a very petty incident, something which shouldn’t be minded at all. But, understand this, I was just a teenager who had been very close to her friends. The quality of time we all spent together, every day had made me believe that we were inseparable. So, it was a shock when I was suddenly isolated without knowing any reason behind it. As I prepared and studied for my boards, the incident continuously gnawed at me. I had never experienced such situation. I was totally lost. It had made a very negative impact on my personality.
Our exams came to an end. My friends had completely stopped talking to me. Our summer vacations started. Results were out. I changed my stream of education and started my college. I lost touch with everyone. That year was the loneliest year I had ever faced. I had not a single person to talk to other than my family. I didn’t have the courage to go to the unknown environment of the college, all by myself. I was filled with self-doubt thinking that maybe I am not a good friend material. I went into my shell. I did behave normally with everyone – smiling and talking, but I had lost my spark.
As time passed, my shell crumpled. My doubts about my own-self started disappearing. I came across many people. We all in due course of time became friendly with each other. I was friendly but cautious. For years, I didn’t make any close friends with whom I could share everything. I just didn’t want to take chances. It was annoying to me as well but my belief in friendship had wavered.
Slowly and steadily, with age and experience, I matured and brought myself out of those dark thoughts completely. I realized that I had become stronger on the emotional front. Later in my life, I made great friends who became a very important part of my life.
A couple of years back, I happened to meet those old friends from my teenage days. We were very happy to meet each other after so many years. We chatted and remembered all the things which we used to do in school. We keep in touch with each other and chat whenever we get time. I now know that I have come a long long way and I am genuinely happy about it.
But sometimes, as I sit quietly on my own, thinking about my life that I have lived… I hear this tiny voice within me, quietly nudging me. It makes me stand in front of this memory, and asks-
‘Would it not have been great if things never turned out the way they had?’
‘Would it not have been great if your life had a happy memory of those times?’
‘Would it not have been great if the reason was known to you?’
‘Would it not have been satisfying if you knew the reason for their behavior?’
Would it have not been great if you had asked them that, what had I done wrong?’
And I am left pondering over the thought that ‘Would my life have been really different had I confronted my friends with the Questions that I never asked???’
This blog post is part of #A2ZChallenge. My theme for the year 2018 is Memories. This post is for letter ‘Q’.